Paris, 12th arrondissement
“Every time I begin to work on a new production I feel as though I am out of my league; that I know nothing and have no notion how to begin and I’m sure that someone else should be doing my job, someone assured, who knows what to do, someone who is really professional. I feel unbalanced, uncomfortable and out of place. I feel like a sham. In short, I am terrified.” Anne Bogart, A Director Prepares. London and New York: Routledge (2001). pp. 84
This is were I stand today. On the verge of creation, terrified. Terrified that I am not expressing myself correctly, and letting myself be misguided by other people’s expressions. That I am not filtering correctly what POST•M should be about. That I do not have the knowledge and the analysis needed for it. That my artistic abilities are will never be compelling enough.
And yet I know that I have moved before. And that, if I have come so far, it is out of need. So the road ahead must be walked somehow.
“When I am lost in rehearsal, when I am stymied and have no idea what to do next or how to solve a problem, I know that this is the moment to make a leap. Because directing is intuitive, it involves trembling and terror into the unknown. Right there, in that moment, in that rehearsal, I have to say, ‘I know!’ and start walking towards the stage. During the crisis of the walk, something must happen; some insight, some idea. […] I create the crisis in rehearsal to get out of my own way. I create despite myself and my limitations, my private terror and my hesitancy. In unbalance and falling lie the potential to create.” ibid. pp.86
Here I am. Lost and terrified. Letting the crisis be there, so that that decision, that potential to create can happen.
In the walk,